A Question and no Answer

When you are sick - suffering a chronic disease - and you know that there is a surgery that might help you but nobody can tell you if it can... would you do it? I decided to do it...

I always knew that I would never get rid of the disease but starting last year after my accident it occured more often. No matter which pills I took, which treatment I did, nothing really helped. The doctors actually had no clue what else they could try and I lost my will to try. When the disease came back in january it was worser than usual. In that night I decided to do a surgery I read about on internet. A lot of people wrote that they did it and that it helped. Some said that it was a complete waste. Most likely I wouldn't have bothered that much when I wasn't in a relationship at that time but that disease forbid me to just live a normal life with my boyfriend. No question it is an relationship killer. It's awful when you know how to prevent getting sick but it's just so impossible to do.

I talked with my parents, with my boyfriend and the doctors. Though, they wanted to try something else first, I decided anyways to do the surgery. So it happened that I got an appointment last week thursday. The doctor explained me how it worked and that he just would do a local anesthesia. For all those who know me it's nothing new when I say that I panic easily even when it's just blood donation or something similar. But I wanted the surgery so much because I relied on the positive effect. So I went there anyways. When the nurse started the preparation I was already with a pulse of 300 but when she left the room I started feeling so bad that I screamed for help. To make it short: I woke up some minutes later thinking that it was over but the doctor leaned over and said: we won't do it.

I hardly could stop the tears of disappointment. It always ends like that though I don't want it to end like this. The doctor offered me to call the hospital to make an appointment for the surgery there and I accepted. He said that it is impossible to do it without full anesthesia.

The day I went to hospital I was nervous too but less than before. I have to admit I was shocked because the doctors there told me that it might not be necessary to do the surgery... so they would put me to sleep and decide then. I was hoping so much that they could do it. When I woke up some hours later I knew that they did it.

I'm happy now. Though the day after the surgery was just a pain in the ass. I hardly could walk or sit. Today I'm fine again. I got what I wanted and so far the effect is positive. The only problem is that I just still don't know if it can help me or not. So I keep on doing what I can do best: waiting.

Hope springs eternal, right?