I came, I saw, I failed

Contest Winners were announced some minutes ago and I'm not even in Top 40. Frustrating since there are Screens that are really... not nice.

Kinda sad that it seems to be fairly impossible to win a contest, when you don't use a pc coloration programm.

The time has come...

... for sooooo many things that are going to happen soon...

1.) I'm going to move out of my flat that I love so much... it will be difficult not to cry when leaving.

2.) I just applied for my Bachelorthesis that I have to hand out till the end of November. At the moment I spent a lot of time of doing researches, reading and being worried about what to write :(

3.) I'm going to Brazil on 3rd December! I bought my ticket weeks ago already and I'm awfully excited! I can't wait to see Luis again and to have a wonderful time at beaches, parties and wherever we're going!

4.) When I'm coming back in March next year I have to think about what to do with my life. First I wanted to study again. But there is simply no money for doing that. I'm not that happy with my studies and I regret that I took so long to discover. Nevertheless I'll try to make the best out of it! Recently I discovered that Nintendo needs gametranslators and for me I decided that I'll try to apply there as soon as possible (that actually means next year). The job sounds tempting and interesting and it's something I would try to work with lateron.

This is all that's settled - or kinda settled. The only thing that could actually top all of that would be living with Luis in Germany starting next year. I hope so much that we will have the possibility of living together - finally! I'm thinking too much of all that already and I'm quite scared that I'll be sad at the end because it won't work like we want it to work... I actually hate planning the future... mostly it only brings disappointment.

Lately I started going to the gym again. I want to be prepared for brazilian beaches and bikinis. I already forgot how much I like to work out without someone telling me what I have to do. It makes me happy that I can do something more than reading and being worried or simply waiting for the 3rd December. On the other hand I shouldn't waste my time with those things... though I'm way too lazy to work 24/7 with my japanese studies. I also discovered that the less time I have the more I think about doing other things. This is also resulting in drawing. I don't know when was the last time I did a picture...


She's still one of my favourite characters - my scholar Sobakasu. I don't know how I could make it up to lvl 99 but I'm proud of it. The quality is not that good though. I used the only pencil that was nearby and its a creepy 2H one... next time I use 2B again! When I find some mood I'll do some coloration. There is a drawing contest on euRO but most likely I'm not going to participate...

As long as you're mine - Wicked

Kiss me too fiercely
Hold me too tight
I need help believing
You're with me tonight
My wildest dreamings
Could not foresee
Lying beside you
With you wanting me

Just for this moment
As long as you're mine
I've lost all resistance
And crossed some borderline
And if it turns out
It's over too fast
I'll make ev'ry last moment last
As long as you're mine...

Maybe I'm brainless
Maybe I'm wise
But you've got me seeing
Through different eyes
Somehow I've fallen
Under your spell
And somehow I'm feeling
It's 'up' that I fell...

Every moment
As long as you're mine
I'll wake up my body
And make up for lost time

Say there's no future
For us as a pair

And though I may know
I don't care!
Just for this moment
As long as you're mine
Come be how you want to
And see how bright we shine
Borrow the moonlight
Until it is through
And know I'll be here holding you
As long as you're mine

What is it?

It's just... for the first time, I feel ... wicked!

I miss you, Luis

dum spiro spero

as long as I'm breathing, I'm hoping.

When I woke up in the morning I decided to stay in bed watching TV. I'm alone anyways and I have nothing to do. Well that's a lie - I have a bunch of things to do but not the will to do them. I was zapping through the program and stopped on a BBC documentation about a guy with ALS who was going to China for a surgery that is not accepted in western countries because there is no proof if it helps or not.

Almost without doubt I would have done the surgery too if it helped me to get back my smell. Anyways, ALS is a disease that's destroying the nerves in brain and spinal cord. They were explaining that there is no way these nerves will regenerate again. Once destroyed there is no chance anymore.

But then they were explaining that scientists in London discovered that there is indeed one type of cell that can multiply and recover itself: smelling nerves. I was very surprised when they explained why it's like that. Smelling nerves are the only nerves that have contact with the "environment", with damaging substances (e.g. dirty air etc). So they're quite resistant.

I believe in what they said there. Maybe my smell won't return in the next weeks or months but I believe that it will return one day. As long as I can still differ smells and tastes, as long as I can still feel something, I believe that I'll recover. Somehow. Somewhen.

Grief

When I came back home for the weekend, I had to discover that our dog died during the last week. Nobody informed me about it. One reason: my parents didn't know because my grandmother claims that the dog belonged to her.

I'm awfully angry because I didn't have the chance to say goodbye. Most likely it would have made everything worser though. I knew that the day would come sooner or later because Sophie suffered from growing tumors. Unfortunately she was too old for another surgery. At the end she had 5 of them, almost the size of 2 tennisballs.

Secretly it's almost a lie to say that I didn't say goodbye. Three weeks ago when I was alone with the dog, I already cried hugging and cuddling her. It's not that I didn't expect...~

At the end, I was crying for 2 hours and actually thought that I would feel better, once I cried until no more tears come out. But the truth is that I'm still suffering and even writing only this is making me cry again.

I miss you Sophie and I hope that you're in a better place now.

A Question and no Answer

When you are sick - suffering a chronic disease - and you know that there is a surgery that might help you but nobody can tell you if it can... would you do it? I decided to do it...

I always knew that I would never get rid of the disease but starting last year after my accident it occured more often. No matter which pills I took, which treatment I did, nothing really helped. The doctors actually had no clue what else they could try and I lost my will to try. When the disease came back in january it was worser than usual. In that night I decided to do a surgery I read about on internet. A lot of people wrote that they did it and that it helped. Some said that it was a complete waste. Most likely I wouldn't have bothered that much when I wasn't in a relationship at that time but that disease forbid me to just live a normal life with my boyfriend. No question it is an relationship killer. It's awful when you know how to prevent getting sick but it's just so impossible to do.

I talked with my parents, with my boyfriend and the doctors. Though, they wanted to try something else first, I decided anyways to do the surgery. So it happened that I got an appointment last week thursday. The doctor explained me how it worked and that he just would do a local anesthesia. For all those who know me it's nothing new when I say that I panic easily even when it's just blood donation or something similar. But I wanted the surgery so much because I relied on the positive effect. So I went there anyways. When the nurse started the preparation I was already with a pulse of 300 but when she left the room I started feeling so bad that I screamed for help. To make it short: I woke up some minutes later thinking that it was over but the doctor leaned over and said: we won't do it.

I hardly could stop the tears of disappointment. It always ends like that though I don't want it to end like this. The doctor offered me to call the hospital to make an appointment for the surgery there and I accepted. He said that it is impossible to do it without full anesthesia.

The day I went to hospital I was nervous too but less than before. I have to admit I was shocked because the doctors there told me that it might not be necessary to do the surgery... so they would put me to sleep and decide then. I was hoping so much that they could do it. When I woke up some hours later I knew that they did it.

I'm happy now. Though the day after the surgery was just a pain in the ass. I hardly could walk or sit. Today I'm fine again. I got what I wanted and so far the effect is positive. The only problem is that I just still don't know if it can help me or not. So I keep on doing what I can do best: waiting.

Hope springs eternal, right?

Just a short post...

...about that new Kelly Clarkson song.

Cuz we belong together now
Forever united here somehow
You got a piece of me
And honestly
My life would suck without you

P.S.: Karina, I hope you'll tell me the new address of your blog^^

Life goes on and on

The day I didn't want to come came at the end. Unavoidable. Luis had to leave me again to go back to Brazil last thursday. We both were kind of down already way earlier. I guess one reason for that were our memories from our goodbye in Japan.

I hate it so much. I hate to say goodbye. And I also hate airports. It's always painful to go to that place. I can't remember a single time I went there and didn't cry. When Luis arrived in Germany last december I had to swallow the tears - and yes - I know you think I didn't cry. It was awfully hard not to.

At the end I had cried so much that I couldn't cry at all anymore - I thought. It didn't take long for me to start all over again. I really wonder if it'll ever stop to be like that. If the goodbyes and the crying will stop somewhen.

We already made plans for upcoming summer, when Luis wants to visit me again. The day he arrived in Brazil he told me again that he would go to the travel agency to make a reservation for a flight at the end of june. And the next day... his parents told him what happened during his stay here at home and that he doesn't know if he can come.

I try so much to be happy, I try so much to think: well, it's not a long time until you see him again - there are people in an even worser situation like you. But it simply doesn't help. I can't sleep good, I try to stay awake until really late just to be so tired that I can sleep until its bright outside again. I have to prepare things for my university since I have classes in two weeks but I'm so unmotivated that it's barely impossible for me to start something. On the other hand I'm bored as hell sitting the whole day around waiting for my classes to start soon.

Today when I was watching TV and I was zapping through the programms I stopped on one of that shows about couples in love and the moderator who surprises the couples with something. He was talking to a guy who fell in love with a girl that had to move to australia. That was 13 years ago. He started telling how he missed her and that he's thinking of her every day... at the end, the moderator had invited her as a surprise to come to Germany and both met again. They indeed didn't see each other during those 13 years and still were in love. I think I couldn't stand it - not 1 year and not 6 months.

I hope so much everything will be fine - that I can go to Brazil after july or that Luis can come here in june. Hope nowadays seems the only thing that's still left and that I didn't give up yet.

When you read that Luis, I hope you'll be back home. I hope that we won't stay without talking that long anymore, that we can at least write messages every day and that the time will pass faster as the last 3 days that I'm alone again. I miss you so much and I don't want to think of a future without you anymore. Hopefully, what we or you planned will work out though everybody seems to be against or not happy with it. Yes, I still love you and I still want to stay with you!

Yes I'm still alive

I know I didn't write here for a long time but I had good reasons... thanks for the comments, I just saw them. It's nice that still some people find their way here. Next entry will follow next week and I guess it will be a sad one... so long~

The Killers - Spaceman

It started with a low light
Next thing I knew they ripped me from my bed
And then they took my blood type
It left a strange impression in my head
You know that I was hoping
That I could leave this starcrossed world behind
But when they cut me open
I guess I changed my mind
And you know I might
Have just flown too far from the floor this time
Cause they calling me by my name
And the zipping white light beams
Disregarding the bombs and satellites

That was the turning point
That was one lonely night

The starmaker says it ain't so bad
The dreammaker's gonna make you mad
The spaceman says everybody look down!
It's all in your mind

Now I'm back at home and
I’m looking forward to this life I live
You know it's going to haunt me
So hesitation to this life I give
You think you might cross over
You're caught between the devil and the deep blue sea
You better look it over
Before you make that leap

And you know I'm fine, but I hear those voices at night
Sometimes, they justify my claim
And the public don’t dwell on my transmission
Cause It wasn’t televised

But it was the turning point
O what a lonely night

The starmaker says it ain't so bad
The dreammaker's gonna make you mad
The spaceman says everybody look down!
It's all in your mind

The starmaker says it ain't so bad
The dreammakers's gonna make you mad
The spaceman says everybody look down!
It's all in your mind

My global position systems are vocally addressed
They said the nile used to run from east to west
They said the nile used to run… from east to west

I'm fine,
but I hear those voices at night
Sometimes...

The starmaker says it ain't so bad
The dreammaker's gonna make you mad
The spaceman says everybody look down!
It's all in your mind

The starmaker says it ain't so bad
The dreammaker's gonna make you mad
The spaceman says everybody look down!
It's all in your mind

It's all in my mind

Brave new world

... without metal in my body! My surgery happened on friday morning. I left home around 5.45am and the surgery started around 8 am. When I woke up it was already 11.30, don't know if I was staying in the waking room for that long. They took me away from all the machines really fast and I could stay soon in my "private" room.

I asked them to keep the metal for me so I know what was in my arm. It's missing 2 screws. I put a pen next to it so you can imagine better how big and thin it is. Anyways, I was really surprised when I saw it for the first time...



So far I can't do much. Everything is hurting and I can hardly do anything because I can't lift my arm. Yes, typing is kinda impossible too that's why I'm going to finish now and try to continue later.

I'm at home already and happy that they have let me go today already after only 2 days!

getting cold feed

After a more or less strange week of university classes my studentweek finishes earlier than usual. I did a nice experience this week: a bus accident. Riding the bus a car crashed into the back of the bus. Its front was completely damaged. Anyways: nothing happened to me or anyone only the poor audi looked fucked up.

My week is over already because I'm preparing for my stay in hospital. I couldn't sleep last night and I didn't feel good during class today. I'm too nervous and I can do nothing against that. In some hours I have to stop eating and drinking because my surgery will be around 7 am... that means: getting up at around 5. Hopefully I don't have to wait that long tomorrow morning.

I'm scared and worried about my condition afterwards. So far I have no idea how I'll be. The doctors said that it will hurt awfully and that's why they'll put an extra tube in my throat for more painkiller medication. Maybe that's why I'm going crazy slowly, though I wanted this to happen so badly. Also I hope to be able to leave the hospital as soon as possible again...

At the moment I'm trying to fix my luggage but actually I don't know what to put. I still can't believe that this will be the last night with my metal and the scars that disappeared so nicely. Hopefully after the surgery they'll disappear fast again so I finally can try to forget about what happened 1 year ago.

Surgery... or not?! (yes again!)

After a nice morning of law class where my prof was talking about what infections you can get when you got stuck in a hospital (yes, he really talked about that... we were working with a case where somebody accidentially shot someone who died after a blood transfusion in hospital because of an infection) I prepared for the next visit of a doctor. Last week, me favourite mole started hurting and got bigger and bigger. For a long time already I'm playing with the thoughts of going to remove it. I hate it, it's at my chin and countless times I already hurted myself when putting clothes. It's ugly but after my year in Japan I got know now what ugly actually means. That's why I actually forgot about it again.

But for any stupid reason it decided to catch a random infection and to hurt like it never hurted before. I never hated it that much for its existence ... it stayed like that for 5 days and somewhere in that time I went to get an appointment at the dermatologist.

Today he examined me and said that everything is ok but I should use this antibiotics lotion. After that he said: go to get an appointment for removing it. Well, isn't that what I wanted? The scar that will be left when it's gone won't look as worse as the thing he said (I wonder if he only wants to gain some extra money for that surgery...). I'm in a cleavage now. On the one hand I really want to get rid of it, but on the other I'm worried about how it will look later and first of all about the injection and needle through skin thing. No way I will go there alone - I'll die of hyperventilation!

I'm going to think about it. The idea is ...nice?... just the way of getting there is ...awful?... at least for someone who's scared of injections. First of all I'm going to pass the important surgery though. But I'm really close to say yes to the removement, I'm quiet tempted to it.

Surgery... or not?

I'm back home. I'm back home after 5 hours hospital. I still can't believe that I could make it back here. Almost called my parents so they could bring me a pyjama there because I thought they won't call my name anymore today.

I could only spent the first our with killing time because I bought two fancy books :D when I saw them in the store, I had to buy them. One is with recipes for muffins and the other for cookies! Everything looks so delicious - I can't wait to bake some! I even know when I will try.

I will try to bake them when I'm handicapped because of my surgery. That was the reason why I went to the hospital today. I gave some information about my arm and they gave me the appointment for my surgery. When the doctor said that there is no space until the 5th december I almost cried. I told him why I won't do it then not even in the upcoming weeks. I don't know what made him put my surgery date to the 7th of november then. But he did it.

Before I had to sign the paper that I confirm everything about the surgery he told me about the sideeffects. He was listing like 20 things and I got more and more despaired. I just hope that nothing of this will happen - every single sympthom he was talking about is just scary and cruel.

He also sent me to the anesthetist. The woman explained me everything. I know now that they will stuck a thin cable in my throat and that they will inject drugs there :Q actually only painkillers...

So far so good. I'm really excited - and scared. Until next week Thursday I have to (kinda) wait for a phonecall from the hospital. They said they can only do the surgery when there is no accident in between. So I have to prevent the people of hurting themselves now! Just don't know how to do that. The only thing I am really worried about is the pain after...

Finally an answer

After all my worries that I had after the hospital in Japan forgot to write my letter with the information I need for my surgery here in Germany, I finally received an answer today!

Surprisingly the material in my arm is from Germany (ahahaha...) and the manufacturer and the screws are normal common types. I guess I don't have to worry anymore about the surgery. In one and a half week I'll have my final examination - with giving blood (oh yes I'm so excited .__.) and all the fancy stuff - and I will try to schedule the date of the surgery to november - as soon as possible. Still, there is this problem with staying in the hospital after the surgery... I'll do my best to make my bones grow fast so I'll hopefully will get out of there soon :)

I just don't like the fact that the hospital in Japan was too stupid to write my name correctly and that they put a lie in their report .__. Indeed! They wrote: "...she rode a bike and clashed against a car..." For me the car rather clashed against me and my steelbody and that's why it - and me! - got destroyed. =__= guys, the stupid wasn't me. Thanks.

No Brazil

After all the waiting and hoping I got the final answer today what's going to happen with my classes in springs' vacations. Well I won't have vacations. I will have classes for about 2 - 3 weeks 6 hours per day.

My professor will stay in Japan until the middle of march and then he'll give classes here in Germany. The students have to prepare a written work and also a presentation. That means I have some nice work to do. Additionally there will be exams after the weeks of fancy class.

For me there is no time to go to Brazil. Actually the vacations start around 13th of february but I think it's kind of a waste of money to go to Brazil for only 10 days. It's too expensive in february for just making a short trip. It makes me sad because that means I have to stay away from Luis even longer than now. Almost half a year. It scares me and makes me feel awful. I wanted so much to meet his family and of course see him soon again but now we have to stick to the meeting in december only. Of course that's way better than nothing but my expectations are gone.

I won't be only alone on my birthday I even will have classes until late afternoon. It can't get worser than it already is so I should be glad.

A small, good thing is that I have less classes as I thought I would have. It seems I don't have to attend any japanese class at all. For me that's strange since it's my main subject. For now I only stick to law. I have 6 or 7 classes per week. I can decide if I want to join the japanese class or not.

My good friend told me today that there is the JLPT in december. I totally forgot about it. Anyways I won't do it. Maybe next year. I'm not that much interested in japanese anymore so I'm glad when I don't have to talk or read japanese. Most likely I wouldn't pass JLPT anyways...

Now I will take a newspaper and hit the table to kill time. Surprisingly I have too much of it now. Anybody wants some?

Problems...?

It continues. Somehow I don't seem lucky thinking of my surgery. I had a lot of appointments the last days at doctors and also hospitals. First of all: my arm is completely ok and they don't want to remove the metal. I'm disappointed and pissed. I wanted so much to get through all this before my classes continue =_= and now I have to wait until november. I don't have a date for the surgery yet because the doctors need to know the screw type in my arm before they cut me open...

The problem: they don't want to tell at telephone so they said they'll prepare a letter... anyone ever requested something in an hospital? In Japan? ... my appointment is at the end of october and now I'm really afraid that I have to cancel it and also give up the idea of a surgery this year. I want that surgery so bad though I don't like the idea of new scars and the pain.

Another thing that appeared some weeks ago was my mysterious hairloss. I think I'm going crazy. I'm almost sure that - when it continues - I'll be bold around christmas. You ever were afraid of brushing or washing your hair? Well - I am. (but that doesn't mean I don't do it and run around like Gollum) The doctor said I don't have enough haemoglobin. So I started taking really fancy pills. We'll see what's going to happen.

On thursday I had a nice appointment at an urologist. Some of you may know that it's hell of fun spending time at this doctor. I learnt a lot this day - e. g. not going there again. I was not that scared of the examination because I actually only have problems with injections. Anyways it was fu**ing painful and bleeding and... it didn't pass so far. After the whole thing I collapsed in the bathroom - because of the pain. When it's not gone until monday I think I have a problem.

So now my vacations are almost over. I have one week left and then I will spend a lot of time at university again. That's not a problem that's a feature because maybe it makes my life less boring. Now I'm just worried about the law classes. I suck in law but I have to pass somehow. Furthermore one of my profs is not going to appear during the semester so he'll give classes during the next vacations. At least that's what we expect. We get to know it next week on monday though. I wanted so bad to make a reservation for a flight to Brazil and now I most likely can't go at all and I'll even spend the so called vacations at university and not with Luis.

When there is really no way to do the surgery this year and no way to go to Brazil next spring I'll do my surgery then. I just know that it's going to be not that nice to stay in hospital for 3 days alone when all your friends are far away and your parents have to work the whole day. I guess there's no internet at all so I really wonder what I could do. I can't even draw =_= ah and I hope so much that I don't have to share my room with someone. I have problems with sick, old people because they always tell you things about themselves you don't want to know!

It was short, it was painful and now it's over

The last two days I was thinking a lot about what to do. I'm a Ragnarok Online player for 5 years now I think and still didn't see everything ingame. Well, after I came back from Japan I was happy that I could share my passion with my friends again. Just: my friends are gone. But not only them, also my fun. Maybe I left it back in Japan.


In Japan already, I started a new character, hoping that I might find parties more easy. I was wrong. It still was a pain in the ass. Though I have to admit, that some people (actually only 2) offered me help and I was really glad. But soon I learnt that I'm not playing RO anymore because I like it. I'm just playing it because I have nothing else to do. Yes, I decided to quit and only join for War of Emperium. I'm not going to tell anyone about this because they won't care anyways or they just will say: "oh why? just stay!" and I don't think they will understand my reasons.

I left my good friends back in Japan and it will take a while until I see them again. Talking with them using MSN is not the same and I'm not willed to stay 24/7 in front of the PC (though I would rather do that than nothing). I tried to find new things I could do but actually there is nothing here. Of course, I started sports again but I can't do sports all day long.

Though I didn't like Japan that much, I really liked my life there and I also miss it. I miss it a lot. And I miss that I always had something to do. I miss my Luis, I miss the weather, I miss the fact that I just could enter a train and go to a place where I can shop. I never was alone and now I am. And I finally understood that Ragnarok might entertain me but it can't and it will never replace my friends and what I had for almost one year.

The longer I sit here and the more time I have for doing nothing, the more I think about that I still have to wait that long to see Luis again. I'm counting the days and I'm always happy when one day passed. The freetime also reminds me of what to do next year after finishing my university because I don't know it yet. All I know is that I don't want it to be related to japanese and that's the worse point. Of course another thing is what's going to happen with my relationship. I'm afraid that it might go on like that - not seeing each other for months - because I'm almost sure I won't be able to stand it anymore. It almost kills me now already. I thought it might stop and get better because I have a goal now but actually it gets worser every day...

Devilish~

May I introduce? This is Etna. Etna is one of the main characters of a PS2 game called "Disgaea". I love her character :) She's mean (well, she's a devil), she's sexy (HOTPANTS!!) and funny! During my stay in Japan I could buy two 15cm high figures of her and some pins! aaaaaaaaw~ (yes I'm proud of them xD)

Well now that you know who she is, let's come to the important part: this pixelart is done by me and it took me 4 hours of my life (yes, im not impatient). I actually like it, I have to admit... so enjoy sexy Etna!

Departure

Maybe the title "torture" would fit better here. I think the last 2 days were the worst I had in Japan. I had to say goodbye to so many friends... some of them I most likely will never see again.

It is also hard to leave beloved people behind. I guess everybody can figure out who I'm talking about here. The time we spent yesterday from getting up to leaving to the airport was the worst anyways. I didn't cry that much for at least a year. It was way too heartbreaking... Leaving without looking back...

I still don't know why I couldn't stop crying and I'm still awfully sad. I just can hope that this will pass. We had some problems yesterday with the checkin for coming back to germany and I thought that I have to leave some of my things in japan. Luckyly I didn't have to do so. Another lucky thing was that I could connect almost everywhere to catch Lu online. Made me feel way better.

Today I had to see my friends boyfriends welcoming them at the airport when we arrived in Frankfurt. I just wanted to get out of there. I'm jealous - that I have to admit - but on the other hand I had the oppurtunity to spend everyday with my boyfriend in Japan. I guess that hurted them sometimes too.

Well a really good news is that I already have a date for seeing Lu again! Kari and Tony - take some free time in december, ok? The ticket is reserved so it's just waiting now (again). But I'm the patient type so it might be ok... I think... I hope... well...

Now I have to stay some more hours awake without knowing what to do. I just arrived and it's already boring. That kinda sucks! Anyone has some ideas what to do?

My parents surprised me with a new bathroom (that's actually a strange surprise) and some flowers and asian stuff - I should check it out now. Tomorrow I might put some pictures here - just don't know of what yet :D

Yes, it's indeed my new blog!

I got used to write about my journeys throughout Japan. Since I have to leave in some days to go back to Germany, I decided to make a new blog. This blog is for all my friends - especially the ones I met in Japan. I hope the day will come when I can meet you again...

Soon (at least I hope so), you will find here pictures, drawings and stupid comments (by me) and things I do or not do. I would like to use this blog to stay in contact with you guys. Hopefully some of you will find their way here ^-^

Thanks for the wonderful last year here in Japan - though some unexpected things happened. I had a lot of fun with you and I will never forget the time I spent with you.

Isa