Life goes on and on

The day I didn't want to come came at the end. Unavoidable. Luis had to leave me again to go back to Brazil last thursday. We both were kind of down already way earlier. I guess one reason for that were our memories from our goodbye in Japan.

I hate it so much. I hate to say goodbye. And I also hate airports. It's always painful to go to that place. I can't remember a single time I went there and didn't cry. When Luis arrived in Germany last december I had to swallow the tears - and yes - I know you think I didn't cry. It was awfully hard not to.

At the end I had cried so much that I couldn't cry at all anymore - I thought. It didn't take long for me to start all over again. I really wonder if it'll ever stop to be like that. If the goodbyes and the crying will stop somewhen.

We already made plans for upcoming summer, when Luis wants to visit me again. The day he arrived in Brazil he told me again that he would go to the travel agency to make a reservation for a flight at the end of june. And the next day... his parents told him what happened during his stay here at home and that he doesn't know if he can come.

I try so much to be happy, I try so much to think: well, it's not a long time until you see him again - there are people in an even worser situation like you. But it simply doesn't help. I can't sleep good, I try to stay awake until really late just to be so tired that I can sleep until its bright outside again. I have to prepare things for my university since I have classes in two weeks but I'm so unmotivated that it's barely impossible for me to start something. On the other hand I'm bored as hell sitting the whole day around waiting for my classes to start soon.

Today when I was watching TV and I was zapping through the programms I stopped on one of that shows about couples in love and the moderator who surprises the couples with something. He was talking to a guy who fell in love with a girl that had to move to australia. That was 13 years ago. He started telling how he missed her and that he's thinking of her every day... at the end, the moderator had invited her as a surprise to come to Germany and both met again. They indeed didn't see each other during those 13 years and still were in love. I think I couldn't stand it - not 1 year and not 6 months.

I hope so much everything will be fine - that I can go to Brazil after july or that Luis can come here in june. Hope nowadays seems the only thing that's still left and that I didn't give up yet.

When you read that Luis, I hope you'll be back home. I hope that we won't stay without talking that long anymore, that we can at least write messages every day and that the time will pass faster as the last 3 days that I'm alone again. I miss you so much and I don't want to think of a future without you anymore. Hopefully, what we or you planned will work out though everybody seems to be against or not happy with it. Yes, I still love you and I still want to stay with you!